Novelty

Everyone’s allowed one self-pity, attention-whoring, long whiny rant at least once a month, aren’t they?


When the novelty of a new relationship wears off, you sometimes have to take a step back and wonder if it really is what you thought it to be. What was once acceptable seems more of a compromise, and when you start taking a good, long look at yourself and wondering if he’s really the one only a few months into a relationship, it sets off warning signals. (For me at least).

I’m not a fan of analysing my own relationships (aren’t we all?), so when I found myself doing exactly that, I started worrying even more. I love playing the matryr, but even this one was a little beyond me. In the past 6 months, I’ve lost one friend, pissed off another royally (I count my blessings when she talks to me) and today, pissed off my boyfriend (in my defence, I was about to leave when your mom saw me and called me in. I tried to leave… but couldn’t. Not without being rude, and rude is something I will not be).

Why did I pick the path I’m on today? Why did I choose to walk down this road? Why did I say yes? Could I have waited a little longer? Swallowed my pride a little more? Bore the loneliness better? Did I ever really pick up the pieces, or were they left lying on the ground when he broke my heart? Did I really love, or was it all an act? Compromising part of my standards, simply because I didn’t want to be alone, was I mad?

Do I regret the path I’m on? Should I have said no? Should I try to stick with this, before I get in too deep? Do I want to feel worthless, that I can’t get a steady job? Do I even want to go down for the supposed “family reunion” tomorrow, knowing full well that I’ll be ribbed, that my cousin sister will be around to pass semi-snide remarks, to be alone in a house full of people?

I know why I chose the path I was on today. And being the stubborn, prideful person that I am, I’m not going to leave. I’m going to stick this out. I got myself into this mess, it’s up to me to decide when to end it. I want to make this work, I really do.

It’s my fault for doing what I did today. And then I wonder…

Would common and basic courtesy be so much to ask?

10 Responses

  1. Tiara January 27, 2006 / 3:34 PM

    pissed off another royally

    me? if it had anything to do with the housing, i’m sorry…i was just extremely frustated then with everything collapsing at once and any little thing became a huge issue in my eyes.

    and look, you shouldn’t keep yourself in a path that’s leading you nowhere just because you think it’s “your fault” you were on that path in the first place. you’ll only make it worse for yourself. if you think it can get better, or you know which way to make it better, take that route. if the path you are on only leads to pain and anxiety, LEAVE.

    don’t torture yourself over some martyr complex. it doesn’t help anyone, much less you; it’ll only be digging a bigger hole out of a mistaken sense of self-importance.

  2. Naoko Kensaku January 27, 2006 / 3:44 PM

    No… I need a cold splash of water sometimes in the face Ti. ^_^

    Well, there is that. But I don’t think it’s time to give up just yet. This is just one bump, and I want to see how it turns out. Call it morbid curiousity.

    Oh, and as a warning: Anyone who says curiousity killed the cat will be struck by the magic stick of doom!

  3. Lord Zhilbar January 27, 2006 / 5:31 PM

    Hmm.

    I’m not really a part of this, but… Serge definitely seems like good people to me, and that he really did make you happy. As far as I knew, you two were getting along until now; I vote stay the course for a while longer, but not to put him through ‘tests’ to see how he’d do. Just if you are happy to be around him anymore.

    Oh, and 2 things.

    Curiosity killed the dog that ate the dead cat, then made rich the researcher who managed to prove their cause of death. Didn’t you know? *Innocent look*

    Also, *Sheepish* here’s Naoko back- I was cut off from ever using IM things on board ship again, and so she had to spend the night. *Motions to Zhilbar*

    ((*Holds on to the unconscious Naoko-chan and stubbornly shakes his head*))

    Come on, Zhilbar! It’s time for her to go home!

    ((No! I’m keeping her for at least a while longer! We’re going to have a picnic!))

    Zhilbarrrr… Sukina misses her!

    ((…Dammit. Oh, fine. *Grudgingly hands back a blissed-out unconscious and recently scrubbed Naoko-chan, who has been exceedingly well fed in the interim*))

    *Patpat on toe* That’s a good muse. She needs to be with her family some of the time, too.

    ((*Growls, eyes glowing with irritation at the mun* Touch Me like that again and I’m taking the arm.))

    *Snatches hand back!* You wouldn’t!

    ((*Smiles mirthlessly* I’m lacking in Naoko-chan. Do you really want to try My patience?))

    …No touching it is, then.

  4. Yvonne Foong January 28, 2006 / 1:42 AM

    Serge is your other half? *gulp* Oh well… *hug hug* relationships are all a test to our minds, so take the test and pass it with flying colors! Concentrate on what your heart says rather than your mind in this case. Cheers!

  5. Naoko Kensaku January 28, 2006 / 3:01 AM

    *Laughs and takes the blissfully sleeping Naoko back*

    Thanks for taking good care of her. And yes, Zhilbar, Sukina missed her.

    Yvonne: ^_^ I will. Thank you very much, Yvoone.

  6. Lord Zhilbar January 28, 2006 / 4:50 AM

    ((You’re welcome, I suppose… *Grumblemutterincinerateforestgrumble* I hope she gives you some good help on your woes.))

    What he said, minus the incinerating of woodland.

  7. Viceice January 29, 2006 / 3:45 AM

    But but but… curiousity killed the ca….

    *ducks*

    :D

    Tiara’s right… You have to leave if it only leads to a dead end. You have to learn to do the things that need to be done, no matter how dreadful.

  8. Sol January 29, 2006 / 7:42 AM

    yeah..

    i have found, in the course of my life that one has to make the decision to fulfill one’s goals & dreams within the confines of mortal realities / circumstances.

    for example, you are a woman, and you feel lonely @ times, yes? impossible that you will not do anything bout it. also, pressure to be with someone from media, family, friends..conscious and subconscious.

    on the other hand, you need a degree of freedom and have plenty of goals / stuff racing through yer mind on a daily / weekly basis.

    strike a balance between the extreme of social conformity and residing completely outside the boundaries of society.

    the exact nature and place of that comfort zone, is for you to discover..its different for everyone.

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