[Letter] To the future me

Hey, remember when we coloured our hair purple? Was a fun experience!
Hey, remember when we coloured our hair purple? That was a fun experience!

Last November was a very eventful month for me. To say that it was overwhelming is an understatement. Things happened. Hearts were opened. Laziness was indulged. Panic was had. Triumph was snatched.

And we’re not talking just about Nanowrimo.

The heart of November, to me, has always been about the writing. It’s always one of the things I look forward to the most when the end of the year approaches. Nanowrimo always marks the beginning of the last two months for me. More than any other month in a year, Nanowrimo reminds me that madness is around the corner for the next 120 days and I need to be prepared. The rest of the year, in comparison, is spent, in a way, hibernating.

But this year has been very different. So very different.

For the last few years, I was content to simply write. I rarely had the opportunity nor inclination to submit my stories anywhere. I was simply coasting along.

Last year, however, just before Nano, I had an incredible change. It left me bent, maybe a little cracked, but it was necessary. Like the bamboo, I needed to have the heavy rain and strong winds to wash me anew and see how far I could bend without breaking.

As it turns out, I could bend quite a fair bit.

This year, things were slightly better. Or I should say, much better. The clouds that remained after the storm gave me the time I needed to absorb the lessons from that thunderstorm. It hurt, of course, but it also crystallised for me, somewhat, things that I wanted to do.

I did kind of lose my way for a while. That gloominess meant that I couldn’t see the sun for a bit, that I was indulging in mere fantasies and continuing to drift without a concrete plan. The raindrops were still on me, and I lost myself in the illusion that drifting and coasting along, was all I could do in this life.

If anything were to happen to me, I wasn’t the one to do it. For once, I wanted things to happen to me, instead of always having to be the one to chase the rainbow.

As it turns out, allowing myself to stand still and hesitate was probably one of the best decisions in my life. A strong wind, from multiple directions, came and swept me off my feet. Some days, it’s not blowing in the direction I want. Other days, it’s such a strong wind that all I can do is stand, hold my ground, and open my arms wide to feel it running through my hair, carressing my face, and making me feel joyously alive.

I haven’t allowed myself the pleasure of merely being in a long time. To exult in my senses, delight in my mind, and please my imagination.

I was sorely lacking this for the longest time, and I didn’t know it.

So what happened in November?

Well, for one, I won Nanowrimo by the skin of my teeth. For another, I met an interesting group of friends, one of whom opened my mind up to new possibilities. Also had a timely and much-needed reminder to take care of myself and those I love. I travelled, and for once, did not feel as though I should be guilty for travelling. And food. Ah, glorious food!

It’s been almost a week since December started, and I’m still excited. There’s ideas I want to explore, things I want to write, articles to make and Fiverr stuff to check out. And if you are wondering, yes, I offer resume-checking services now.

Some of the leads may not pan out. Some of the plans will probably fail. But I’ve never felt this loved or this supported before.

Sometimes, the jigsaw puzzles just fit.

See you soon.

Naoko @ Geminianeyes