Quick Updates

This year has been both good and bad so far, and April’s just ended!

  • Dad passed away
  • New job is working out better than I expected
  • House is still untenanted
  • Money coming in is nice
  • Boss likes my work, and colleagues are good


Good night.

On authority


We have been taught to rely on authority.

Responsibility is something that is handed to us, not something we seek and shoulder. We have tasks, duties and thus responsibilities thrown onto our shoulders. It is not something we claim.

Authority is not something we claim. It comes with both power and responsibility. It also means being accountable and holding in trust, the consequences of our actions.

We look to authority to save us. We look to external factors, the outside, to tell us what to do, to define the lines, to enforce discipline. We look to authority, most importantly, for approval.

We are kept small by our submission to authority, whether in fear or by our own choice. We have been taught that to question authority, is to incite embarrassment, thus we do not allow those who come after us to question our choices.

We pass this down to our children, from teachers to students, whenever a child corrects an adult or a senior. Is there any wonder why we suffer?

Checking in on Imposter Syndrome

The Gap
The Gap between what you think is true, and what actually is

The thing about imposter syndrome is that you always feel like the shoe is about to drop, that people will soon know you for a fraud. It gets worse if there’s a general warning/reminder addressed to the entire team but I always feel it’s a passive aggressive reminder to me not to screw up.

This, as you can tell, wrecks havoc with my brain and my self-esteem. Gets worse in the weeks before my period, and apparently having depression is not that all uncommon.

So on Monday, after being reprimanded for some grammatical mistakes, I asked my boss for a meeting. I think I kind of gave her a scare with how seriously I approached the talk, and made her think I was about to resign. As it turns out, I was actually doing pretty good at my job. There’s room for improvements, but overall she’s been happy with my performance.

One of the things we did discuss was catching up more often, which I think is probably necessary for me; I thrive on external validation, and this helps a lot with the insecurity. And based on what she said, I think there’s a good chance I’ll be confirmed when the time comes in May and they apparently also have two formal reviews annually, so that’s great.

Sometimes all it takes is just asking, no matter how stupid you think the question is. So, what’s your gap?

[Weekly Update] Oops late!


Where are we going?

Today’s going to be a rather brief update. Work has pretty much swallowed my brain, and I’d like to keep some brain cells for my fiction. So today’s weekly update covers:

  • Joseph Campbell, he of “The Hero’s Journey”
    Mythology has always been one of my loves and the way he explains how culture, mythology, and religion intersect is mindblowing. It’s the difference between listening and feeling it in the gut, as opposed to the head.

  • Moon Prism Makeup!
    Eh, not actually, but close. Thanks to the smog, I’ve started to experiment with foundation to protect my face. So far, it seems to be helping with the minibreakout I had, but it’s still early days.

  • Spending time with people I care about
    Had great dinners over the past few weeks; from dinners with jie to the tenta to mom’s birthday to an old friend I haven’t spoken to in years. It was a good week to socialise.

  • Took over dad’s phone
    The USB port for the Z1 took off, so I switched to dad’s OP2. I’d rather have my dad back.

  • No rushing around
    This week is comparatively quiet compared to the madness of the last few weeks. Nuff said.

Habit musings

Good morning…

The thing about habits and rituals is that they are short cuts. Programme your mind and body to carry out certain rituals and once they become habits, they are fairly effortless. I say fairly because sometimes there are days when you would not want to indulge in them, but in a lot of cases, it takes just a little prompting more than usual to do so.

And it takes time to do so. Time and effort. So before you embark on a new habit, the question you need to ask yourself is, “How much do I want this habit?” which is then followed by “Do I want this badly enough for the rest of my life?”

A lot of my habits are “eh, why not, there seems to be no harm in doing them” which ends up failing quite… spectacularly, if they take off at all. I am still trying to work out a fitness habit. For now, there are too many outside factors I can’t control affecting my activity choice, so I’ll need to go back to the drawing board and decide what exercise I want to try next.

The writing habit is one of those that start off well, but then slowly becomes forgotten. This is definitely more of me than it is of anyone else; writing is a form of therapy for me as well, and sometimes I stop writing because there are things I’d rather not confront.

Which is kinda silly if you think about it, but also very true. Writing what terrifies me, what my failings are, how I fail, and even how successful my plans turn out to be makes me feel terrible at times. If I fail, it’s because I fail as a human being. If I am successful, I am humblebragging… yes, even to myself.

I tell you la, cannot win this kind one.

It’s Jan 21 now, and I’ve managed to stick with at least jotting down a few notes everyday. It may not be the full 30 minutes or three pages people say you should write, but for now, it is enough.

I need to learn to celebrate the small victories that are mine again, instead of only focusing on the large ones where I disappear into the background.

How’s your morning going?