Everyone’s allowed one self-pity, attention-whoring, long whiny rant at least once a month, aren’t they?
When the novelty of a new relationship wears off, you sometimes have to take a step back and wonder if it really is what you thought it to be. What was once acceptable seems more of a compromise, and when you start taking a good, long look at yourself and wondering if he’s really the one only a few months into a relationship, it sets off warning signals. (For me at least).
I’m not a fan of analysing my own relationships (aren’t we all?), so when I found myself doing exactly that, I started worrying even more. I love playing the matryr, but even this one was a little beyond me. In the past 6 months, I’ve lost one friend, pissed off another royally (I count my blessings when she talks to me) and today, pissed off my boyfriend (in my defence, I was about to leave when your mom saw me and called me in. I tried to leave… but couldn’t. Not without being rude, and rude is something I will not be).
Why did I pick the path I’m on today? Why did I choose to walk down this road? Why did I say yes? Could I have waited a little longer? Swallowed my pride a little more? Bore the loneliness better? Did I ever really pick up the pieces, or were they left lying on the ground when he broke my heart? Did I really love, or was it all an act? Compromising part of my standards, simply because I didn’t want to be alone, was I mad?
Do I regret the path I’m on? Should I have said no? Should I try to stick with this, before I get in too deep? Do I want to feel worthless, that I can’t get a steady job? Do I even want to go down for the supposed “family reunion” tomorrow, knowing full well that I’ll be ribbed, that my cousin sister will be around to pass semi-snide remarks, to be alone in a house full of people?
I know why I chose the path I was on today. And being the stubborn, prideful person that I am, I’m not going to leave. I’m going to stick this out. I got myself into this mess, it’s up to me to decide when to end it. I want to make this work, I really do.
It’s my fault for doing what I did today. And then I wonder…
Would common and basic courtesy be so much to ask?