I suppose that most readers who know me personally would know that I want to be a mother. That I want to have kids. At the same though, I do not want them. No… I want the kids for their own sake, but at the same time, I don’t want them for fear that my past will catch up to me and the cycle of hatred, hypocrisy, and backstabbing from both sides of my family will be passed down to my children.
My greatest fear is not that I’ll be a bad mother, but that I will turn out to be my mother.
A woman who professes one thing and does another, who believes sincerely that her way is always the right way. A woman despised by her children, trying to take away their tools simply because she cannot stand their imposed silence on her. A woman who treats her children as toys, dolls. A woman, who, by her own words, will not treat her children as adults until they are married, and yet refuses to let them marry. A woman who paints herself as a saint, but is a hypocrite.
Unfortunately, I have some of these traits. And I don’t want them. Tiffs with my parents have caused the rifts and eventual breakups of my previous relationships. Yes, I admit, part of the rifts were also caused by my own selfishness and passivity, but my mother wants me to be her doll, she wants me to be her dream. To live it.
Which I will not do.
She is especially annoyed, I believe, by the simple fact that everyone in the family but her uses computers extensively and we ignore her for that. I’ve tried to get her interested, but she doesn’t want to learn how to use the computer for herself, but rather rely on others. She refuses to learn. She wants to be a tai-tai.*
My mother often warns me that what I do to her now, my children will do to me. I don’t find that a bad thing. My sibling and I have commented that she must have done it to her mother, and we have been rewarded with an outraged stare that means we’ve hit the mark.
Her family speaks much about the background she came from. They’re a typical wealthy family. They’re the kind where looks are more important, where academics is only useful if they help you make money, and they will take advantage of you even more so because you are among the youngest and part of the family.
I still remember the first words spoken by my cousin sister when she saw my ex’s photograph. I remember part of my response to her. To this day, that comment still annoys me because it’s made from a person who’s vapid. I suppose I was stupid enough to expect them to have a more open outlook with the education they received.
The rest of the family are no better. They want things done their way, their time, much like my mother. No compromise. They’re even better at wheedling out of things. Tight-fisted? Hah! I think it’s a kind term.
*Chinese (now derogatory) term for rich ladies who are housewives, traditionally served hand and foot. They are notoriously busybodies, demanding, arrogant, hypocritical, and show-offs.