Please bear in mind that I’m not pointing or blaming anyone here. I just need to get these destructive thoughts out of my head before I do something stupid like end my friendships.
I broke up with Leo for two reasons.
One, because it did FEEL like he was being emotionally abusive and apathetic/indifferent. Anyone who’s been with me for some time knows that indifference will kill me. I know that for some people, abuse can mean different things, but indifference shows that you’re not really that interested in me, and even if I love you, you not paying attention to me might kill me. (Yes, I am an attention whore, so what?) There were times that I felt used in our relationship, and I pointed it out to you. (On your end, you did take note and remembered those particular points, and so adapted properly).
Two… Because there were people who loved me who thought you weren’t worthy of a second chance (this is where you should ignore this entry, as like I mentioned, I need to get these thoughts out of my head before they kill me).
I thought he was worthy of a second chance. I really did. But two who loved and cared for me thought otherwise. One had done the same thing Leo did, the other had been in my shoes.
While the first had changed, I asked what was it to stop him from changing? The reply was there doesn’t seem to be any signs that he was. I was hurt by that comment, but in retrospect, I wonder if the main reason for it was the way he (Leo) had responded to the comment made on his LJ as to not giving a rat’s ass. When I asked him about it, he said that he had meant that he didn’t care what other people thought, just the two of us in that relationship. That made me feel warm and fuzzy then (still does, actually) but at the same time, I like to keep people’s sensitivities in mind, so I thought it was also callous.
The second pointed out that if someone loves you, they don’t test your love in the first place. And having been in my shoes, was rightly worried that I might be going down the path to being emotionally abused. While I admitted that he did have a point, right now I wonder if there could have been another reason to it.
Right now though, my instincts (the very same ones that screamed at me to break up with Leo
after these two had ganged up on me in a sense) are saying that I should have given him a chance. I should have given him at least a month or so to change, failing with, I should have left him. There are so many I shoulds, that I think I might be going insane (considering that I already call myself insane, it’s not that far now, is it?)
Right now, I suspect, I’m going through the anger and denial part of the grieving process. Mainly because I feel angry that I was pressured into breaking off something that should have been left between two people. I feel even worse thinking that of all the times I told other people to back off a couple and let them work things out, I’ve let other people do the EXACT same thing to me; let them interfere.
People should just mind their own business. -_-