Edit: Thanks everyone! I’m so sorry to have worried you! m(_-_)m
This is a pretty morbid entry on the last day of the year.
Ever had those days when something hits you, and hits you hard? So much so that you sometimes don’t realise that it’s hit?
I just had one of those days.
It’s very likely that today, 31 December 2006, may be my last day on Earth. No, it’s not me emo-ing or anything. I really do feel as though I may not live beyond New Year’s Day. It’s just something that’s telling me that today, it will be your last day on Earth, so be prepared. I have an inkling of what today will bring, right up till midnight, but after that, it’s a blank. I have no idea how I’m going to die, except that it might be an accident. Where is it? Most likely after the countdown, at the place where I’ll be working. Random, I know.
But this is not meant to be a post to say that “Look, I’m clairvoyant!” I had a small gift of that when I was in college, and it sort of died when I was doing my final term in college, and to a large extent I’m very glad it did. Was it a true gift? I don’t know. I know that I did not relish telling people what I saw about them (especially Ti, I’m sorry about that demon thing). Was it a warning? Yes, perhaps.
It’s such a strong feeling at times that you could not help but pay attention to it. The same thing with today. Just sort of hit me that today will be my last day. So yes, I’ve not been more scared in my life. There is a lot of things that I wish I could have confessed to the Father, but I left the church without doing so, being afraid. All I could think about was that I had to come home and tell people that I loved them. My parents I’ll wait till they get home, but since I’m in front of the comp now, I might as well tell all those who are reading this instead.
I love my friends and adopted family for the support you guys have given me. I apologise for not being the best friend I could, for the selfishness I’ve shown, the broken promises, the times I’ve let you down, the times I’ve been tactless, the times I’ve been nothing more than an attention whore, the times I’ve been abused your shoulders for my own emotional wrecks that I should have carried myself. I’m sorry for all the times I’ve ignored you deliberately, for the times I hated you (even if I’ve never shown it), for the times I’ve screwed up over something I should know better (this especially goes to all my colleagues), the times I’ve put you all under pressure while not doing my own part as well.
I’m thankful for the chance to meet you all. For the chance to get to know you, to be allowed to care for you, and especially thankful to those who have made me feel like a family member. I’m thankful for your entry into my life, no matter how short or long it is. I’m thankful for you guys enriching my life, and at many points in time, showing me where I should go, for being a hand that reached out to me when I was drowning. Thank you for putting up with my insanity, my crazy plans and schemes, my randomness, my hyperness, for having me as your colleague and showing me what to do, for giving me the chance to make me feel useful.
Thank you so much.
For my real life family, in case they don’t know (and please note… for my eulogy, I’d rather have a friend read it. DO NOT LET MY UNCLE ALOYSIUS READ! If someone’s going to do it, I’d rather someone from my generation, either Onii-chan, dimmie, ti, whoever who feels inspired to do so), please tell them that even though I’m an ingrate daughter, I LOVE THEM. No matter what happens, even if I argue with her and I can sometimes curse at her behind her back, she’s my mother. I love her, no matter what. I’m sorry if I never got the chance to really show you mom, but I really do love you. For my dad.. Let’s just say that yes, I love him in my own special way, but I’m biased towards mom. Even if I do join my bro in tag-teaming her sometimes. 😛
For my cousins, especially the little ones… OMG YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE!!! JIE JIE LOVES YOU ALL VERY MUCH, MAKE SURE YOU LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS OK? AND IF THERE IS POLITICKING IN THE FAMILY, IGNORE THE ADULTS AND JUST HAVE FUN ON YOUR OWN. Live life the way you choose to, not others.
To everyone else… Thank you.