And my urge to write fiction seems to have slowly waned.
In a way that’s a good thing; I’ve been caught up in my fiction work that I seem to have my head in the clouds for far too long, that for a while, it seemed like I was doing nothing but hiding myself in Naoko and Sukina’s personas. Have also been hanging out with a group of friends who don’t know me that well, so when I hang out with my collegemates I find it hard to talk to them.
Naoko and Sukina formed a defensive shell for me when I was going through some of the hardest times of my life, mainly socially. It was hard for me to say no, harder still for me to state my opinions. The worst part was admitting to myself that I wanted some things simply because I was being selfish, that I didn’t want to be lonely, that I wanted to do things for me, rather than having an external reason as an excuse. I normally used that whenever I’m talking to my parents.
In a lot of ways, I haven’t grown up. I haven’t told my parents who I’m seeing, although they know that I’m seeing someone. I haven’t told my parents that I cosplay (though only once a year for the sake of my wallet and my brain) and that I hang out with a bunch of otakus because I want to (I know that there are two cousins monitoring this blog, so I’d appreciate it if this does not get back to our relatives), and not because I need friends.
I haven’t been honest to them because I’m afraid of what they might think of me. Although they no longer have the power to ban me or to enforce childish punishments (my mom still thinks she can ban me from going out, which she can’t) I still find it hard to overcome the childhood programming and to do my own things on my own time. While it may seem selfish that I’m going against what they wanted of me, I’ve made my choice.
I’m my own person, not my parents. I’ve done what I’ve done till now because of the choices I make, no matter how mortifying or embarrassing. I’ve made my choice to walk on this road. Regardless of the consequences.
I suppose it’s time for me to take responsibility for my own actions rather than relying on my parents to get me out of it.
That was a long rant.
Belated edit: My house was attacked by termites and we didn’t really know about it till last weekend. I lost two old idea books because the termites had made them into a nest. DAMN YOU TERMITES!!! Lucky for me most of my info was in my brain, but it still stung!