No, this is not a long rambly post masquerading as a simple post. This is just a collection of simple thoughts… which are very random. XD
First off, financials.
Was in the car today and thinking about my financial status. Yes, I’m over budget again, and it looks like moving out this year is just a dream. Was thinking of what would I do if I had a lot of extra cash (read: about RM19-20k). The first thing that came to mind was that I would use that money to pay off my PTPTN. Once that was over, I would have a little extra cash and would be able to concentrate on saving money for other things. Whenever I have extra, I would channel it to cancel any existing debts I have. The thought that resulted from that was that I played defensive with my money. This was a comment that was made by my real godfather when I was playing Cashflow (A money game).
This then led me to think about how I conducted my life. For most part, people seem to think that I take foolish risks or small ones that might embarrassing moments, but nothing of real life-changing consequence (aka MLM and other various, get-rich schemes). I tend to live a very cautious life, where I get to spoil people I love and care for, rather than to gamble it all. This applies to some extent to my religion as well. I don’t believe in the Church or the current interpretations of the Gospel, nor the concept of sin (much) but I still believe in a Deity that guards us. Does He/She/It have a destiny planned? Maybe yes, maybe no. What they are perhaps is a guiding light in our lives.
Yet I still go to church, partially to satisfy my parents, but mainly because I love sitting in the prayer room, in a quiet place, in a quiet atmosphere. I’ll sit there and pray, just close my eyes or open my lips and begin talking. It’s a sanctuary from the outside world. I don’t go for Mass anymore. What the priest says, it’s something that I can’t accept, not now. Especially not when I’ve been told by people that the Homily, which essentially is the only part of the Mass that a priest gets to choose what they’re going to talk about, is supposedly the most important part of the Mass. I’m sorry, but I find that hard to swallow.
Some priests do say Homilies that make a lot of sense to me, but the majority still have that “OMG YOU SIN YOU REPENT NOW OR HELL YOU GO!!” Guilting me into coming to church? Sorry, not going to work. I come because of I want to meet Him/Her/It, not because I’m afraid that I need to get into His good graces. After all, my relationship with Him is personal, isn’t it? He’s like the friend you meet up once a week or so to catch up on things.
This seems defensive to some because it looks like I’m covering all my bases, which is true, to an extent. I don’t usually play agressively unless I know that I can win, it’s a calculated risk, or that it will make someone smile (yes, to the extent of embarrasing myself, which would put some “stupid” and “silly” incidents into perspective now, won’t it? Please note that yes I have done some genuine mistakes, but how would you know that? -cheeky-).
… That turned out to be a rather long thought. 😛
Other thoughts that I’ve had:
I’m a Gemini, which some says means I have a dual personality. It’s not so much as dual personalities as it is switching between the best personality to deal with the situation. I know that I call them muses, but at the same time they’re different aspects of my personality. Ed, Id and Superego? Not quite, considering that I have oh I dunno… Five of them? Or was it four? Either way, they’ve all manifested themselves in one or other. Where’s the real Me? Now that’s a answer I’d like to know as well.
Attention span fleeting. I suppose that’s why I’m ending this entry now. Jya~