Sick of Fear

I am not a pretty girl
That is not what I do
I ain’t no damsel in distess
And I don’t need to be rescued

-Ani DiFranco, Not A Pretty Girl

I am not a pretty girl. I may be pretty, but I refuse to let that define me. I’m not someone who needs protecting. I’m not someone who needs rescuing. If anything I’ll do the rescuing and saving myself, thank you. The only thing I have to fear isn’t really my parents; it’s my own ability to fly. I’ve been using them as a crutch; I’ve been saying that it’s because they don’t give me permission that I don’t do the things I really want. I can do it, I’m just scared to.

I was talking to [Raz] yesterday, and he pointed out that as children, we didn’t think very far ahead. We do things on the fly, we’re implusive, we take chances we don’t as adults; we have no fear, or rather, no thought about the consequences. As we grow older and more aware, we take the consequences into account more and more, even if it is a distant chance. We become scared of what happens, and while most are able to manage that fear, some of us become crippled by it. I know I am.

At 23, I’m still living with my parents and the last time I broached the subject, that man told me that I would not be moving out under any circumstances. That led to me dropping my jaw. Apparently it seems that no matter what steps I take to declare independence from my family, it is considered as I’m being selfish. Is it really selfish for me to want a life away from my family? To not wanting to be nagged about staying out late, to not wanting the “safe” arms of my family?

It’s an attempt I know, by that man to keep his own family intact, even if it means he will have to keep his children locked up like little children. They can do anything but leave, for leaving means that he’s failed. And he cannot do so again. I will admit, there is a perverse pleasure for me if I can break him. Why is this important?

Years ago, I promised myself that I would destroy him if I can. Now I can, but I want to avoid harming my mother. She may not be as innocent as she seems, but at least she made the effort. “In the eyes of a Child, Mother is God.” Notice, it’s Mother, not father. He overpowers her via sheer volume, making fun of her and belittling her. I’ve not heard him say sorry to her; it seems that saying sorry to her in front of people is taboo to him.

Have I ever mentioned that he’s a MCP? Male Chauvinistic Pig, in case you haven’t noticed. Yes, it’s ok for his son to stay at home and not do anything, but GOD FORBID his daughter do the same thing. And my brother is still taking money from Mom, but I NEVER relied on her for money when I was unemployed. Whatever I took, I BORROWED and I REPAID IT. I refuse to subject myself to him. I refuse to let him stop me. I refuse to live in fear that he will hit me if I defy him. Ironically he once told me and my brother that it’s up to US, our generation to change this country. I accept that challenge. Because if I accept his decree, I accept OTHER PEOPLE dictating my life, and I accept their laws, no matter how inane and making me live in fear.

I refuse to live in fear. I want to fly, and damn the consequences.

I am my grandmother’s daughter. I WILL live my life the way I SEE FIT. I will NOT give into someone because I’m afraid of losing his love. I will NOT let someone dictate my life again.


6 thoughts on “Sick of Fear”

  1. *pats* You’re great, nao. You’re the best woman i have ever seen. And a great girl like you don’t deserve to be locked up and confined in small world. You’ll fly. Yeah, i bet you will. And don’t forget you always have many supports here. ^^

Comments are closed.