Rants-Angsty, Work

Self-confidence

It’s not that I have issues with my work. I love my job, I love what I do, I just hate maintanence. But zoning out can be good, yes?

It’s not that I don’t have the talent. Everyone around me says I do, and they expect me to perform to it. Guess what, I want to!

So what’s the problem?

The problem’s me.

I have a problem with myself.

I tell myself that I don’t write as well anymore because my writing sucks. It’s an old fear I have, and apparently its a valid one.

I’ve run out of ideas. I used ot be able to generate all these ideas to the point that I was just bursting with them. Now I don’t have any ideas, and I keep quiet because people will think that I’ve just been showing off to gain attention.

I plaglarise. Heavily. I take very obvious ideas and I don’t really modify them much. I lack the new perspective needed.

I have a problem believing that I can do better, not that I should. I know I should, but I don’t think I can.

And that’s the crux of it. I have very serious self-esteem issues.

That’s all of it at the end of the day.

I don’t handle stress well. I don’t like being stressed, and I don’t want to be stressed. Give me a deadline if you must, but let me reach that deadline. Leave me to work in peace and you’ll get what you want. Don’t toss me something, then tell me it’s urgent and you need it NOW!!!Eleventyone11111 when you haven’t even given me time to digest what it’s all about. Don’t toss me things and expect them to be completed magically the next day. Don’t be snide when I work on one piece at a time. Don’t push too many things to me at once and expect me to finish it asap. Especially don’t be sarcastic to me.

No, that’s not what I wanted to say. It’s a whine, and I don’t usually whine much. I have a problem with self-confidence, and I especially have a problem in my self-worth. I don’t see myself as being worth equal to others. Taking time out from the family to do my own thing and hang out with friends and taking time to hang out with family doesn’t mean I’m selfish, right?

I’m too scared to examine myself too deeply because I’m afraid of what I’ll see. Even now, I’m afraid to publish this because on one hand, I want reassurances that yes, I am valued at how much I think I’m valued but don’t believe am valued that high. On the other hand, I don’t want to be seen as an attention whore.

What do I want in life?

I’ll admit that I want the easy lifestyle. I want my life to be smooth sailing. I want to not have to worry about money and just be able to do the things I want. I want to skim through life like the Gemini I am and enjoy all it has to offer. I’m afraid of offending people, for fear of losing them. I’m afraid of doing things to lose the people I care about. I’m afraid of them leaving me and I’ll be alone. I’m afraid of being ignored.

I’m afraid of the disapproval and consequences I’ll face when my parents find out about my lovelife. I’m terrified of what happens if he leaves me. I’m terrified of losing people, of facing their disappointments in me.

Most of all… I’m terrified of doing this job, wearing these masks for the rest of my life. Simply because I can see myself doing it.

I’m tired of this mask, and I’m not shy of my relationship with him. If you don’t have the maturity to understand my path, you shouldn’t be telling me what to do with my life, should I? Stop making yourselves to be such saints. I gave him up once for you. Because you all asked me to. We’re drifting apart, and I’m terrified of losing him. But I suppose to you, it would be better that way, wouldn’t it? You won’t have to face God because you “failed” in making me follow your path, you wouldn’t have to face the community in saying that your child went over to the enemy side, and you won’t have to tell people that your father rolled in his grave because his grandchild fell in love with someone he would have never approved.

The only ties we have is that you somehow raised me. And raised me enough to the point that family is the only thing I know and accept, because if I knew otherwise, that there were people outside my family I could depend on for help, you would lose your hold over me. Even if said family treated me as though I was just a convenience, not a member.

And you want to know the suckiest part of all?

I lost myself.

Thank you for helping me do so.

Yes, this is a rant that makes no sense and has a lot of different focuses.