I was surfing mylot.com when I came across 2 articles on religion that resonated with me (btw, [Joicy], Yahoo! has a lot of random ways to get people to use their search engine, including paying people to do so. mylot.com is one of them 😛 ). Both dealt with the question of blind faith; one asked why religion prohibited a questioning spirit, while the other talked about how blind faith could never lead one to the truth.
I agree with the bit aout the blind faith. Human beings are, by nature, questioning souls; we’re born with a yearning for the Lord, a thirst for something greater than us if you’re not religious. However, we do not simply accept anything that comes our way. There’s always a period of doubt, of walking in the darkness where we either forsake Him consciously, or when we push him aside for other, more pressing matters.
I will admit that mine is the very shallow kind of faith. I know what to say, when to say, and when to shut up (though struggling for a long time on the last), but that’s what you get for 11 years of Sunday School. You learn to navigate the waters of the “religious” but in your heart, it’s empty. Secretly, you wish you could have the same faith that radiates from your friends and peers, the simple and deep way they believe in God that you never could. It gets to the point that you shut yourself away from these other believers, hoping without realising that you do not want to be caught in your own hypocrisy.
My life is shallow. I know where I want to go, but it’s an escape. I’m running away from the emptiness it represents. Going to church no longer holds the same meaning as it did once before; it’s empty and souless except for when the church is literally empty. Yet I find myself allowing myself to drift away. Away from the things I once loved. I’m becoming an empty shell.
All this, I think, because I stopped questioning. What is my purpose here? Why am I here? What am I meant to do? Why do I sit here instead of finding a way to connect back to God? Why do I insist on allowing myself to vegetate?
I honestly don’t know. But what I do know is this: Until the day I die, I shall not stop living. I will not go easy into that good night. I don’t really have many things to look forward to, but that doesn’t mean it’s worth leaving this world because I’m bored.
And maybe one day… I’ll begin to question again, instead of keeping quiet for fear of losing those closest to me.
Tonight… I sleep. 😛