I often speak my mind without thinking of the consequences. My emotions often get the best of me, and I say things, unaware of how much it hurts that person until I’m told. When they lash out, I often react defensively.

Today though, was something that I needed in a long time. I had a blowout with a friend, and it left me open. It made me realise something I had been refusing to look in the face, to accept that I had no power. That my voice, for all the good my writing and my talking did me, was useless.

It was admitting that whatever my reaction to the Penan rape, nothing would change. No one would remember the Penan case in a few months, and they would be forgotten, lost in the mists of time.

Like Melissa Audrey. Like Nurin. Like Sharlinie. Like that boy Asmawi, was it? Like the boy Ho Ping. Like Ching Poon.

So many names. So many forgotten. Innocent lives.

I joined the Pixel Project out of shallow reasons. It was just because I thought it would look good on my resume. It was also a cause I could identify with. But it wasn’t until I actually started writing properly for it that I realised just how screwed up it all was.

Which is why tonight, the first in a long time, I gave into my despair. I cried like a child. For the evil done by women to themselves. By the evil done by men to women. Does what I say, do, or write really matter? My words are only words. They are no substitute for actual, physical action.

This helpless rage, this helpless fury, this impotent anger… Tonight, I give in to it.

Tomorrow, I overwhelm them.

4 thoughts on “Untitled”

  1. I’m sorry I never contextualized the fight, either.

    Sarawakians have lived in a state of cover-up and near-gangster, if not gangster, control for a long time — and it’s getting worse. Like people abused, they’re not in the right frame of mind, they need to be guided and told that they can get out of the cycle. Everyone knows HE is corrupt, but no one has the power to fight because they’ve been broken so many times. This isn’t just the Penan, btw.

    One day, I discovered that the rape of the Penan was on the front page of The Star. I was shocked. This kind of thing would have never happened before, and it would not have happened if it were not for the tireless efforts of those in East Malaysia standing for their rights, and West Malaysians who were willing to support them and back them up.

    I didn’t write about the Penan before because it was too painful and because I knew how the system worked. But after that front page report on The Star, I started commenting on the TNG articles that covered the Penan, thanking them.

    You’re not doing something worthless. You’re scooping out the sea one teaspoon at a time, and even if you can’t scoop out the entire sea, you can save what you can.

  2. I’m sorry to hear you’re overwhelmed with this rage, though I can give no better advice/comfort than the above commenter did, I surely would like to say something and hopefully they will at least give you some strength.

    I never think words can easily change a person. Words are influential, it’s true that they can affect someone to an extent and powerful words can even change a person’s life. However, it’s also up to a person’s determination and intention how he would like to influence someone by words. Ill-intention words are more easily to be embedded in people’s mind to me, because good words actually everyone knows, but knowing and doing are different things all together. Still, you try to make a change by speaking more and conveying good messages out to the world. I truly look up to you for that, and if you say you’ve never changed anything, I doubt it. I’m, for one, changed the way i used to think about politics and Malaysia. Your words, your opinions make me think about more of Malaysia and realising it’s not as bad and we shall always try our best to maintain the harmony. I seriously hated politics but as my father is a member of Barisan National himself, I’ve occasionally heard from him about politics. I think we should do something, not only complaining but at the least, we should turn up for voting of elections. And that’s because I know there is another responsible person who’s you that I think my belief is not wrong and I try to tell others about my belief as well. Some of them, though not exactly been persuaded by my words, agreed what i said and have changed the ways they use to think. I never think your words are useless or in vain at influencing people’s mind. You’re a writer and you know that. As long as you continue writing and never give in, I’m sure more and more people will be influenced and that would make a change, even though little by little. Ganbatte, nao. *hugs*

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