Ponderings

You gotta learn to love yourself
Kagayaku Hito, sung by Angela Aki

A few days ago, I celebrated my 26th birthday. I spent it in the company of people I love, people whom I call family, people whom I call friends. Both in the day, and at night. There was of course, 5 hours where I was sitting in a bus, but even this was assuaged. I had a call from Tiara to keep me company towards the end of the bus ride.

Ti darling, you’ll never know how reassuring it was to hear your voice even if I sounded distracted, because it kept me from panicking when the bus took a route different from the one I was used to. :D

I visited my grandmother a few days ago, and she was surprised to hear that I had travelled out of state. In her mind, I’ll always be six years old, innocent, cheerful and a little too talkactive.

Today, I paid a visit to a hair treatment centre for the sheer fun of it. I also handed in some writing assignments, but felt like dropping into a hole because I didn’t think they were up to mark.

Just a few minutes ago, I read this,, from Fenix. There are a number of places where I find myself nodding, agreeing completely with the writer.

Especially the bit about judging people. I’ve gone from bad to worse on that.

But really, it’s time for me to ask myself just what the heck I am doing.

Last month, I quit my job as a full-time copywriter to pursue a career in teaching. A move that seems suicidal, since all my applications seem to have disappeared into a void. Yes, I know, perhaps I’m not looking in the right places.

I’ve been working as a freelance writer to support myself in the meatime, but today told me that maybe I suck at that too. I’m careless, I’m thoughtless, and I’m hopeless with deadlines. This is the truth. Anyone who has worked with me will attest to this.

And lately, it would seem that I also lost the ability to write.

Well, to write convincingly and in a believable manner. To write in a way that brings me joy, not anguish. To write for the sheer pleasure of doing it and not because I have to. Chrodechild and Asad notwithstanding. Or rather, they are the example of me writing unconvincingly, projecting my own desires onto them.

I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. Does it matter? Do I matter? Is there anything I do that actually brings any changes to the world around me?

*Hums the lyrics to Kagayaku Hito*

2 Responses

  1. Lord Zhilbar June 16, 2010 / 11:14 AM

    I’ve been there, all right; that article made a whole lot of sense to me.

    And let’s face it, hon; you matter to the people around you. There are people who would notice and hunt if you dropped off the face of the world, and that’s the only measure of mattering worth the mention.

    You may not have a species named after you, but if you can think of just one thing you’ve done to change someone’s situation, then you’ve made a difference in this world.

    • Naoko Kensaku June 16, 2010 / 10:20 PM

      That’s one of the reasons why I wanted to be a teacher. I want to make a difference in someone’s lives, no matter how small.

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