Unwelcome notices

Cut for senseless ramblings of self.

The more things stay the same, the more they change.

A dear friend just told me that I’m a genuinely good person. And that she feels that connecting with me is a “respected gift,” not something to be demanded.

Her words triggered a realisation of myself. Of what I’ve been doing for the past few years. Of what I’ve been doing to myself. Of how I’ve shortchanged myself, and the people who love me.

I’m not the person I was a few years ago. Or rather, I’ve lost sight of that person. I’ve been focusing on remaining the same person I used to be that she’s slipped through my fingers. Slowly, over the years, deliberately adn by choices I’ve made, I’ve cut that girl down. I’ve systematically made her less than she wants to be, less than she could be, less than she is.

I’ve made her so afraid of herself and the possibilities that she holds that I jump from place to place. Thus, should it be any surprise that I’ve been measured, and I’ve been found wanting?

I’ve told the Universe that I’m entitled, and the Universe has laughed at me. I took the easy way out, or rather tried to look for the easy way out, and it has been blocked. Instead of taking the other road proffered to me, I’ve decided to let myself be caught in the maze, into being distracted and stretched thin.

I’ve become selfish. I’ve become inwards. I’ve become what I feared the most: Me me me me me! The scariest part of all of this?

I don’t know how to get out of here. Help.

5 thoughts on “Unwelcome notices”

  1. I know exactly what you mean, hon. Honestly? I’m in that same situation myself, and struggling to get out of it.

    My only suggestion? This is what I’m trying, at least:

    Sit down, write out a description of the person you want to be. (This often takes even more self-analysis, to be able to codify your dissatisfaction with yourself that way, but it’s important.) Set a goal for yourself, to come one step closer to that ideal.

    And keep that goal in mind, try to figure out what’s keeping you from taking that step. Spend at least a portion of your day trying to overcome whatever’s in the way, so that you might take that step.

    And when you finally have? Set out another step.

    Short-range plans like these are more secure than long-range plans, but even they fall apart; I know I occasionally just ditch the plan and wing it. But it even if it’s not followed, it’s better to have a plan instead of just drifting. Believe me, I know.

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