Family, Rants-Angsty

Bitterness

Bitterness is a mixture of emotions. It’s one part anger, three parts regret. The anger is fed by the helplessness regret entails. I often feel regret for the things I cannot change, and thus it makes me feel helpless. That leads to rage, which is a self destructive cycle because there is no way to vent that anger, to direct it into an action that will take away the regret.

Channeling emotions from one state to another is not something I can do easily. It’ll spill over from one situation to another, but I can’t exactly channel the energy itself from a situation into another. I can’t turn that energy into something positive unless it’s closely related to the trigger of the emotion.

Which is why it’s just so much easier for me to bitch about how the Government is royally fucking us up without being able to do anything more than retweet.

I’m listening to rainy mood now. It’s calming for me. The noise of the rain with occasional thunder is soothing. It soothes my heart. Makes me remember of times spent in my grandmother’s house, sitting by the door, a cup of milo in my hands, looking outside. Reminds me of cool days with the wind blowing into the house. When coming out after the rain is like literally looking at the world through new eyes. Through a clean glass. Through a world made anew.

I miss the physical sensation of putting my head on my mama’s lap. Or even her shoulder. I miss her hand tapping my thigh to make a point. I miss her smile. I miss her leaning on my arm.

I miss mama.