I’m still taking photos each day, but I just don’t have the energy to post them up at the end of the day.
Not when I see photos like these and cry.
I guess I’m still not over my grandma’s death. It’s easy to remember most days that she’s gone. Harder to accept some days, like today, that I can’t just go over to her house and sit on her bed with her. Have her tap my knee when I say something silly that makes her smile. Have her hold my hand when she walks. See her face light up.
I feel so guilty for ignoring her the months leading up to her death. I’ll probably carry that guilt for the rest of my life. I feel so guilty that I didn’t get married before she passed away, so she could see me in a wedding gown.
Most of all I feel guilty, sad and disappointed with myself. I miss her. I remember a woman who took me for a 2 hour walk, or was it just 20 minutes? We walked home from the market when I was a child. I will never forget that walk. It was long but I loved it so.
I remember Mama holding on to my hand firmly when she was afraid she would fall. I remember being happy that I was needed in that way, that I could hold her hand and be her support like how she had been for me, growing up. I remember Mama touching my face and looking at me as though she would burn my face into her memory one time when she was in great pain and we thought she was going to die.
I remember Mama tapping my head to see if I was there and awake one time. Mama making a fuss because she didn’t want to be alone. Mama who gripped my hand firmly. Mama who scolded me, and Mama who could make jokes.
Mama’s with Papa now, dear. You know that was where she wanted to be. And you know how much she loves you.
She’s no longer alone.
Let her go.
Rest in Peace, Mama.
I love you.