“I want to keep my energy and attention for the people who matter, the people whom I know need my help, and those who will appreciate it. I know it sounds cruel, but I don’t bother with people who obviously will not make the effort to help themselves, or those who betray those whom I care about. There is only so much my heart can take, and there is only so much that I can do.”
This is who I am now. This is who I want to be. My heart may be big, but it is not limitless. But when you act out of love, when you act because you genuinely care about someone, then you will be selfish. You’ll be selfish because you want them to be happy, and that sometimes it requires you to make sacrifices.
But that love is often repaid many times. No matter if it is romantic love, platonic love, parents’ love, friends’ love, pet’s love, plant’s love, LOVE is an investment you make, with the hopes that the other party reciprocates. This is the same love that will motivate you to climb greater heights than you ever thought possible.
It is also the same kind of love that will come and hold you and tell you, “Enough. Rest, my dearest, for your body cannot take it. Sleep, and regain your energy.” Sometimes literally. With enough physical force for you to realise that the person offering you that love is repaying you, a thousandfold, out of the sheer generosity of their heart.
The same kind of love that will understand when you need to step back. When you need to take stock of your own self, so that the two of you will remain healthy wholes. That you and your group of friends understand when you need to step back because you cannot handle things. The same kind of love that just loves you. And will understand when you change. Will not judge you for the choices you make, but will be there with both tissues and a “I told you so.”
The same kind of love that does not depend on other’s validation, on how they see you. A shield to protect you and your loved ones.
Once poisoned by hate, that love can regrow. But it will be a slower, more cautious kind of love. The kind of love that will dig deep into the ground, into the roots, into your hearts, to find a firm foundation, so that no matter what winds, what storms come your way, your heart will weather it, and the tree that is your heart will grow, sturdy, strong and fruitful.
I may be a stunted tree, but still I reach for the sun. I yearn for the rain. I want to feel alive!