So fraying at the edges means that I am forcing myself to take an introspective look. And the answers are something that I should have known and admitted to myself but I haven’t because I have been afraid of the answer.
Why am I so pissed off. What has made me so angry, so bitter? It turns out that the answer is easier than I thought, once I let it hit me in the face.
I want to be live without worrying about the consequences. All my life, my decisions have been motivated by the consequences, by worrying about what others will think of me, by worrying and waiting for others to give their consent for me to do what I want to. I don’t have the image or the belief that my life belongs to me, but I know that one of the drivers of my life is the thought and belief that my life does not belong to me. That I am responsible for ensuring the people around me are kept happy.
Even if that means a shallow, sad, superficial life for me.
I know what kind of belief I want to have. I know what kind of drivers that I want to have. At the same time, I am terrified. I am terrified not just of change, but of losing the perceived privileges that I already have and enjoy. I am a creature of comfort, I want to do things without inconveniencing others and myself.
Conflict does not convenience me. It stifles me. Or so I use to feel.
I no longer have a reliable barometer and belief by which to test just how alive I feel.
I know the road I want to take. I know what I want to be by the end of that road. But how do I get on the road, and when I am on it, how do I begin taking my steps?
It’s like knowing the end of the game without actually playing the game at this point.
I’m afraid of losing what I already have but if I don’t move, I will lose it anyway. So is it better to stay still and enjoy it while it lasts, or to cut myself deeply to the point I don’t recognise who I am any more for a gain I don’t even know exists?