[002a] Love

No photos today, because technically this is a sub-post of [002]. ^^

Do you mind if I like you?
I think I love you I think I do
Do you mind if I love you?
Say you love me
– Kokuhaku (Confession) by Angela Aki, from Blue (2012)

Been on a massive crush spree the past few days. This means indulging in fantasies, in hopes that will never come true, driving my friends and timeline nuts with fangirl screams and crush sighs, among other things.

This isn’t really normal for me, at least. I’ve never been one to indulge with crushes and the like, especially celebrity crushes. Don’t think most people who have noticed it, but if I like someone intensely, they tend to be people I know in real life. They tend to be people whom I can actually reach out and say, “Hey, I like you, and it seems you like me, let’s get together.”

Which is hilarious to think about, because I’ve been in relationships for the past fourteen years (wow, has it really been that long?) and have only had one break in that entire time (by break I mean not get into a relationship less than 8 months after the last).

What changed? Well, for one, the last relationship I was in didn’t work out. It’s not for the lack of trying, but you can only go so far before you reach a limit both of you will not cross. In a way, that relationship is perhaps the one I regret the most, because it was the right one for both of us.

The past though, is in the past. We parted as good friends, and I’m glad to have him as a friend. It’s just hard sometimes, watching both of us move on, knowing that we could have had something, but it just wasn’t to be.

The following months after that was a flurry of activity, thank the Goddess. I had a lot of things to occupy me, even though most of the leads I chased did not pan out. In between, I nursed a hurting heart, throwing myself into being a good senior (somewhat) and learning how to smile when all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and cry.

The good thing about having a lot of things to do is that you don’t have time to mull over things, and time flies. While the actual distance may be small, when you pack your life with so many memories, what happened before feels distant and a far away thing. It’s only in the past few weeks that my heart has begun to accept what happened, and we’re finally cleaning the remaining debris and dust that has accumulated.

Which is what makes the resulting crushes so intense. It seems that to make up for my years of missed “squee”, my heart and brain have decided now’s the perfect time for me to indulge in a celebrity crush. I’ve gone from simply going “kyaa” over a nice picture into researching bits and trivia to contemplating sending my crush a fanmail.

The lack of a focus to channel my romantic energies and thoughts have led to me crushing on several guys at once. While this is not unusual, the crushes are very intense. One of them has died off, due to lack of watering. The other’s a nice little potted plant that makes me smile whenever I think of him, but too young for me and no signs of it flowering, so it remains a cute little thing on a pedestal now.

The one that’s giving me the most problems is the celebrity crush. I know he’ll never notice me, so I’ve felt like that gives me full rein to squee about him. There’s also the fact that he is one of the prettiest boys I’ve ever seen and he’s graceful like a swan. It helps he has a small fanbase, because their information tends to be very concentrated and fairly precise (no, I have not been stalking nor reading up all the threads on him).

I don’t think I want to confess anyway. It’s still too soon, and I think it’s just new skin. The bleeding just stopped several weeks ago, and the new skin’s just beginning to cover it. I think I’ll give it another few months before I poke it again.

5 thoughts on “[002a] Love”

  1. Timeline… wait, are you on Plurk?

    I want to know this! I want you on my timeline to hear your annoying crushsquees, this sounds like an excellent idea!

    1. Nope, on Twitter. And since you asked, the celebrity crush is a kid named Yuzuru Hanyu, who is unfortunately WAYYYYY too young for me. He skates like a fairy on ice, makes kickass jumps, and blows people away when he falls, because he then gets RIGHT BACK UP and SKATES WITH A VENGEANCE AAAA.

      Did I mention that he is literally one of the most beautiful human beings I’ve ever seen and he’s adorable? 😀

      1. Aww, and I’ve sworn never to descend to Twitter lest the souls of my unborn children be riven away to the darkest pits of New Jersey. Dang, I thought I would get more chats from y’all in my day that way! Unfortunate, but at least you’re still awesome.

        And as to the crushee, I have to admit he’s an impressive athlete. Dude’s got poise, balance, style and swagger to spare; I was genuinely impressed by some of the moves he pulled. I can see why you admire him so much! Regarding looks, well, I kinda kept seeing him as a 15-year-old for like half of his performance, and there’s still a strong vibe of that to him for me. He’s got this jailbait look to him!

        Still, I realize he could make girls swoon with a wink. Just a cultural thing, neh?

        1. …*Facepalm* And then I see the glasses image. How did he mature up five or six years with just one accessory? The difference is both surprising and impressive.

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