Recently one of my friends asked me how I stayed motivated, beyond the usual drive of routine and necessity (aka I need cash to survive).
Before that, I had another friend asked me how I stayed kind.
I remember babbling on, but I think what helps is being grateful.
I take comfort from small blessings, from the little things that happened throughout the day. I am also learning to let go of “what other people might think about me feeling this way” which is far harder than it sounds.
I make it a point to say “Thank you” to almost everyone I meet (the habit of saying “I’m sorry” when something bad happens is the opposite and is something I’m trying to break).
Seeking joy in the little things, like Shugo on top of my head
I find joy in smiling every day. Wearing a mask because of my allergies makes this even easier, because no one can see you smile like a crazy person when the appropriate thought flashes by,
These are all surface habits though. Small things. But they help me make sense of the day, of the moment, of the pain.
Once I became aware and grateful for the little things, it became a habit. And habits are second nature; you will usually find yourself doing things over and over again by routine or by trigger. And they build on each other.
I found an unexpected benefit in this habit. It made me reexamine my own behaviour, my own biases and friendships. The latter is especially important, as I have a tendency to defend my friends blindly.
I am a hoarder. This translates to both physical possessions and intangible ties. There’s a good chance that unless I need to use/contact often, I will forget some things exist. But I’m trying.
Trying to keep alive the friendships that mean a lot to me. To pull away from the things and people that drain me. To find time for myself and genuinely reflect.
Having someone who plays the devil’s advocate and makes me feel uncomfortable in terms of my thinking is an unexpected blessing.
I’m learning, slowly but surely, to let go. To be in this reality and this moment. And the practicalities associated with it.
Like buying a house. Moving out of my comfort zone. Pushing my words out to be published. Making earning money a priority and not think about it as a dirty thing.
I’m still trying.