Checking in on Imposter Syndrome

The Gap
The Gap between what you think is true, and what actually is

The thing about imposter syndrome is that you always feel like the shoe is about to drop, that people will soon know you for a fraud. It gets worse if there’s a general warning/reminder addressed to the entire team but I always feel it’s a passive aggressive reminder to me not to screw up.

This, as you can tell, wrecks havoc with my brain and my self-esteem. Gets worse in the weeks before my period, and apparently having depression is not that all uncommon.

So on Monday, after being reprimanded for some grammatical mistakes, I asked my boss for a meeting. I think I kind of gave her a scare with how seriously I approached the talk, and made her think I was about to resign. As it turns out, I was actually doing pretty good at my job. There’s room for improvements, but overall she’s been happy with my performance.

One of the things we did discuss was catching up more often, which I think is probably necessary for me; I thrive on external validation, and this helps a lot with the insecurity. And based on what she said, I think there’s a good chance I’ll be confirmed when the time comes in May and they apparently also have two formal reviews annually, so that’s great.

Sometimes all it takes is just asking, no matter how stupid you think the question is. So, what’s your gap?