Defy, Rants-Angsty

Being petty and mean

Wow. 10 minutes after she left the room, my mom had to come back and give me a lecture about how messy it is. She can’t quite understand how she, a neat freak, ended up having two children who really don’t care what condition their room is as long as they can navigate from point A to point B without poking their eyes or tripping over things.

One of the reasons I keep my room messy is so that my Mom cannot find my things. It’s a leftover relic from days when I’m pretty sure she started going through my stuff as a teenager. I think all mothers do that, whether they want to admit it or not. It would certainly explain some of the things I know my mom wouldn’t have own otherwise. It’s much harder to replicate a messy room when you know where everything is, than it would be to replicate a clean room. Trust me, I’ve been there.

In a weird, twisted way, this is my revenge on her. I don’t feel like I have control over my life with her around. Or even with my father. I understand they worry, but seriously, move on already, won’t you? You’ve already done enough damage by destroying TWO relationships. I suppose if I ask my mom to arrange my marriage, she’ll be all over herself.

And in case you’re wondering, opening up to her is NOT an option. She wants to hear what she wants to hear, and she really refuses to even try coming from my point of view. Talking to her is often an exercise in futility about my friends. I know she’s proud of me, but at the same time she’s also ashamed. She expects me to be something I don’t want to be.

The sad thing is, I understand where she comes from. She has no real friends to speak of, and her behaviour is highly regulated by what she thinks my dad will or will not approve. She’s disappointed by the choices she’s made in life and how they’ve turned out; at 25, I’m still living in the house instead of being happily married to someone and bearing grandchildren for her. At 22, my brother is still leeching off them, and planning to get married to a Sabah girl my parents have never met.

At the end of the day, I think the issue is trust. I cannot trust my mother not to hurt me again, and she cannot trust her daughter to follow her.

Defy, Family

Religious and Idiots

I don’t want to go to church because I do not want to be a hypocrite. I do not want to got to church to show I am a good girl and I believe in a God that forces me to abandon my boyfriend because apparently, racism isn’t good enough for you, but you have to bring in religion as well.

Forcing me to go to church will not change or solve anything. Deal with it. You’re no longer responsible for me, I’m responsible for myself. So don’t expect me to jump when you tell me to. Cause I won’t.

Defy, Family, Outings

Aftermath of Dinner

And the reason I cling to the online family.

Company dinner was quite fun. The bowling tourney was something unexpected, but it was seriously fun and I enjoyed knocking whatever pins I could down. You could not imagine the gratification of hitting someone’s face with a bowling ball when you are bowling, especially if they are people who demeaned you.

That said, went for a nerve-wracking review earlier (which was VERY unexpected) got some good news (YAY BONUS!) and finished tasks and all. I suppose that receiving the bonus was really an unexpected bonus. I train myself NOT to expect a bonus or any surprises in salary, because I think I could be doing so much more with the pay they are giving me, AND I SHALL!

So, I won the Telephone Addict silver award (apparently because I message and play with the WAP settings a lot) while the team won a huge gift + award: Best Achievement, which we are sharing the chocolate hamper, not to mention the FREE AIRASIA TICKETS (PENANG HERE I COME!) that came with it.

Now this is where the angst begins:

Continue reading “Aftermath of Dinner”