*Big Sigh*

In which I take a deep breath and SIGH.

It looks like my parents have a very long way to go in accepting the fact that their daughter is no longer a little girl. I just told* my dad that I would be out this Saturday (Breakfast Appointment + Lunch + Clubbing) and my dad told me enough of this nonsense. He thinks that I should not be pulling off any more of this nonsense he had “graciously” allowed me to go to Penang earlier this month.

My initial reaction: Yeah Right Fuck Off. Then I took a deep breath.

Like hell I’m going to listen to him. I’ve quitted listening to him for a long time already. Do I feel scared? Not a bit. I feel resigned, yes, but it’s not resign that my dad has forbidden it and I won’t be going out. It’s resigned that I will be doing this without their blessing.

Not the first time and I think it’s not going to be the last. *Shrugs* Devil may care and all, but I’ll live this life the way I see fit, not as others, especially my parents, dictate. I’m no longer a child, and I refuse to be treated as one.

*Also, note that my parents (or more specifically that Man) hate it when my brother and I simply tell them things. It implies that we no longer have to ask them for permission, which means they have no more hold over us.

Which they don’t. At least not over me. If my brother is stupid enough to want to leech off my parents, that’s his problem. I don’t intend to.


Not breaking things

Although I knew I made it sounds like I was going to fight with that man about the Penang trip a few blogposts back, I made a promise with [Raz] that I wouldn’t fight with him (Much). So yesterday I finally gathered up the courage and asked him in passing whether I could go. (The reason was I wanted to go for the Bangsa Malaysia thing, which I do)

So after a brief chat yesterday, he came back to me with a resounding no, while mom accused me of wanting to go up to see a certain someone. I denied it, and talked to her a bit more, and then I went back to my room to report the results. Sigh. I wonder if they knew that it was only because of [Raz] that I didn’t fight with them again and take the risk of breaking this family.

In any case though, that was last night. This morning, in a half-groggy state, I’m awoken by that man telling me that yes, I can go to Penang, but there would be no more personal trips next time. My bro and I would have to go with the family if we wanted to go on trips (yeah, right). Me was quietly ecstatic. However, this was broken a few minutes later by him saying that this Sunday we were supposed to go visit grandfather.

This is how I feel now. OTL. Imagine a person on their hands and knees, and yes you get it.



There are times when I’m proud of my country, and there are times when I wish I could just drop into a hole and die out of sheer embarrassment. Then there are times when I forget that my country exists, within the scope of my family problems (no, I have not asked my dad yet. Apparently fear has a bigger hold on me than I thought. Wait, why am I even asking? Let’s just GO!)

The 14th Malaysian Law Conference 2007 has given me hope that all is not lost. People are starting to wake up, they’re starting to talk, they’re starting to see what’s wrong. This all comes with it being close to an election year, but at least people are becoming more aware of everything.

Now I’ll need to get used to not being comfortable in order to declare my independence. Give me courage, everyone, cause that’s what I’m going to need.

Fear: Failed

Dad was in a foul mood when we got home from dinner yesterday and basically shouted at us for not going to my grandma’s house. That and earlier I spoke to my bro about heading to Penang anyways, and I had no idea my father was still upstairs. My brother didn’t tell me, the jerk.

Ah well, whatever will be, will be.

Sick of Fear

I am not a pretty girl
That is not what I do
I ain’t no damsel in distess
And I don’t need to be rescued

-Ani DiFranco, Not A Pretty Girl

I am not a pretty girl. I may be pretty, but I refuse to let that define me. I’m not someone who needs protecting. I’m not someone who needs rescuing. If anything I’ll do the rescuing and saving myself, thank you. The only thing I have to fear isn’t really my parents; it’s my own ability to fly. I’ve been using them as a crutch; I’ve been saying that it’s because they don’t give me permission that I don’t do the things I really want. I can do it, I’m just scared to.

I was talking to [Raz] yesterday, and he pointed out that as children, we didn’t think very far ahead. We do things on the fly, we’re implusive, we take chances we don’t as adults; we have no fear, or rather, no thought about the consequences. As we grow older and more aware, we take the consequences into account more and more, even if it is a distant chance. We become scared of what happens, and while most are able to manage that fear, some of us become crippled by it. I know I am.

At 23, I’m still living with my parents and the last time I broached the subject, that man told me that I would not be moving out under any circumstances. That led to me dropping my jaw. Apparently it seems that no matter what steps I take to declare independence from my family, it is considered as I’m being selfish. Is it really selfish for me to want a life away from my family? To not wanting to be nagged about staying out late, to not wanting the “safe” arms of my family?

It’s an attempt I know, by that man to keep his own family intact, even if it means he will have to keep his children locked up like little children. They can do anything but leave, for leaving means that he’s failed. And he cannot do so again. I will admit, there is a perverse pleasure for me if I can break him. Why is this important?

Years ago, I promised myself that I would destroy him if I can. Now I can, but I want to avoid harming my mother. She may not be as innocent as she seems, but at least she made the effort. “In the eyes of a Child, Mother is God.” Notice, it’s Mother, not father. He overpowers her via sheer volume, making fun of her and belittling her. I’ve not heard him say sorry to her; it seems that saying sorry to her in front of people is taboo to him.

Have I ever mentioned that he’s a MCP? Male Chauvinistic Pig, in case you haven’t noticed. Yes, it’s ok for his son to stay at home and not do anything, but GOD FORBID his daughter do the same thing. And my brother is still taking money from Mom, but I NEVER relied on her for money when I was unemployed. Whatever I took, I BORROWED and I REPAID IT. I refuse to subject myself to him. I refuse to let him stop me. I refuse to live in fear that he will hit me if I defy him. Ironically he once told me and my brother that it’s up to US, our generation to change this country. I accept that challenge. Because if I accept his decree, I accept OTHER PEOPLE dictating my life, and I accept their laws, no matter how inane and making me live in fear.

I refuse to live in fear. I want to fly, and damn the consequences.

I am my grandmother’s daughter. I WILL live my life the way I SEE FIT. I will NOT give into someone because I’m afraid of losing his love. I will NOT let someone dictate my life again.