I actually had something else I wanted to write today, but then curiousity hit me like a tonne of bricks and I decided to finally track a song that’s be bugging me over the past few years.
You see, Silent Night is one of my favourite Christmas hymns. There’s a certain weight in the song; it has a certain gravity that other songs, with the exception of O Holy Night, is missing. But despite knowing the English version, I could never sing it properly. Because I always get end up singing after the first stanza, “Noche de paz, noche de mor” which is not English at all.
Turns out it’s Spanish. And not Latin as I remembered as a kid. So I finally tracked the version I grew up with and ended up here. Enjoy.
Don’t break character You’ve got a lot of heart Is this real or just a dream? Rise up like the sun Labour till the work is done
I feel like a fraud sometimes.
From writing to working to everything else.
I sometimes feel like I’m a fraud. That I got to this age, to this life, to this place, all through luck. Makes sense for me to think so, when you consider that at 5 years old, I doubted I could reach 21 years old, much less thirty.
I still remember that moment. Lying on my back. Remembering fragments of a conversation earlier about someone having a birthday party or turning 21. Not sure which. But thinking vaguely to myself, that wow, it’d be incredible if I reached that same age. And thirty? That would be a miracle.
And at 31 in a few weeks, I’m surprised I’m still alive. Still here to type these words, though I’m not sure who will read this. I apologise for the pessimism, but as a woman, I can and will claim the monthly hormonal imbalances.
It doesn’t change the thoughts I’ve been having though, but merely allows me to open and vulnerable.
Because it takes a lot to write such thoughts. To laying out your heart.
But this is the safest way I know of confronting who I am. And to try to figure out who I want to be.
Don’t break character You’ve got sooooo much heart Is this real or just a dream? Oh Rise up like the sun And labour till the work is done
My work is not done. I am not done, not by a long mile. For now, Over rock and chain, over sunset plain. Over trap and snare. Tis time to be acquainted with my old tools again.
Been listening to Halyosy’s Blessings and Connecting on loop for the past few weeks in the office. It’s been a very eventful time; I have visited Korea and Taiwan since January, updated my Bear’s tablet to Android L, bought more clothes than I thought I desired, and realised that while I love travelling, I find it exhausting if it’s within weeks of each other, unless it’s for work.
The return to routine this week has been both a blessing and a curse, but that is a topic for another day. And speaking about Blessings, let me introduce you to this earworm that will. just. not. leave. me. As usual, lyrics under the cut.
Nakidashi sō na machi o se ni TV no nyūsu de wa atarashii seimei no tanjō o minna ga iwai waratteru konna kaze ni boku datte umarekawaretara to omotteru
yarinaosu koto mo Kuririkaesu koto mo kantan janai kara
sukoshi nayande iru keredo ashita wa umaku yarerutte seimei no tanjō kokoro no dokoka de omotteru
sutoppu deki nakara shinchō ni imēji shite asa o matsu
me o akere ba atarashii boku ga iru ima kara nandatte egaite ikeru hakinareta kutsu de itsumo yori keikai ni fumidaseba nani demo tobikoerareru
imēji shita risō wa genjitsu yori muzukashii ga itsu datte atarashii sutoppu wa kireru
naganen kie nai nayami goto chīsana koro mi ni tsuita kuse butsuketa kioku mo nai no ni dekita aza mo kizukeba issho ni ikite kitanda kyō ga subarashii to ienai tadda ichinichi tatoshite mo
mada mi nu ashita ni arāmu o setto shite namida o gutto kotaete yume o miyou tsuki ya hoshi wa kumo ni ooware te mo kawara zu ni kono machi o terashitsuzukeru kara
mezashiteita mirai ga ima to chigatteite mo daijōbu donna basho e mo mada jiyū ni ikeru
ima made no jibun o shinjite imēji shite asa o matsu me o akereba atarashii boku ga iru ima kara nan datte egaite ikeru hakinareta kutsu de itsumo yori keikai ni fumidase ba nani demo tobikoerareru imēji shita risō ga genjitsu o nurikaete iku itsu datte atarashii sutoppu wa kireru
In the back of a town that seems on the verge of tears On the news on TV Everyone is laughing and congratulating The birthday of a new life And like them, even I’m Thinking of how it’ll be like if I were to be reborn The things I’d do over The things I’d repeat in the same way It’s not easy so I’m a bit troubled but I tell myself I’ll do well tomorrow The birthday of a new life I’m thinking somewhere in my heart Since I can’t stop I’ll continue carefully, as I wait for the morning that I imagine When I open my eyes, there’s a new me From this moment on I can depict anything I want The shoes I’ve had experience putting on, I put them on and If I take more steps than I usually do I can overcome it all The ideal I’ve imagined is even harder than reality but New stops always break through long years of unending worries The habits I’ve gotten used to since I was little I have no memories of them but when I notice my birthmarks I know we’ve come this far living together Even if we can’t say today if a wonderful day, and just appreciate the day for what it is We’ll set an alarm for the tomorrow we can’t see, firmly bear our tears and dream. Even if the moon and the stars are covered by the clouds, they’ll still like always, continue to shine on the town Even if the future we were pointing to is different now, It’s alright Whatever place it may be, we can still freely go there I’ll believe in the me I was until now and wait for the future I imagine When I open my eyes, there’s a new me From this moment on I can depict anything I want The shoes I’ve had experience putting on, I put them on and If I take more steps than I usually do I can overcome it all The ideal I’ve imagined is even harder than reality but I always through new stops.
There are a few songs that will always remain close to my heart. Not because of their popularity, but because they came at a time when I needed it the most. Oddly enough, I’m usually captured first by their rhythm and emotion, then only by words (this is where having a lot of people translate a song you love comes in handy).
God Knows by Aya Hirano reminds me of the time I broke up with my ex. For a long time when I heard that song, I’d resonate with: yamete uso wa anatara shikunai yo (Stop it, it’s not like you to lie) but as time went by, I was drawn instead to yowasa yue ni tamashii kowasareru you ni (My weakness will not shatter my spirit).
It came into my life at a time when I sorely needed it. The breakup took a toll on me emotionally, spiritually and in some ways, physically. I had awesome friends who helped me through it, but I wasn’t quite the same. God Knows became an anthem of sorts, a song I’d scream my heart out when I was depressed or alone.
Yui’s Again was another song that hit close to my heart. For one, there was that depressing anime series called “Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood” that was nothing but owowowowow hit me in the heart again why don’t you but what resonated with me the most was Kaeru basho mo nai no, which translates to “I have no home to go to.” Which fucking hurt because I just lost my grandmother. It was an outlet to my heart, emotions. And gave me a place to hold on when I had long drives home.
Years go by, and whenever a song comes up and holds me by the heart and doesn’t let go, I know it’s usually a sign that something’s coming. It’s been a long time coming, but I think the next one might just be One Ok Rock’s “The Beginning.” The reason’s simple:
Just give me a reason To keep my heart beating Don’t worry, it’s safe right here in my arms.
At least I have good warning with this one. With that, good night.